I hope all is well with you. I find this letter slightly harder than in fact it should be. I suppose that is because I have so much to say, so much to thank you for and yet getting it into a cohesive order for writing is proving difficult.
You have always been there for me, for as long as I can remember, well maybe not literally but it feels that way. You let me ramble when I cannot find the words to explain how and what I am feeling. You understand my need for silence, my need to talk about something else but most of all you don’t object that I don’t have interesting things to say, that I am in fact a very boring person whose most exciting conversation seems to be about being able to dry laundry outside or how well the hoover picks up.
You have never once judged me on the path life has taken me, you support my every decision, even though no doubtable you disagree with some of them. You always make me feel better, you make me smile and laugh even at the most horrific of times. You never say I am moaning or being negative, you let me work through my guilt with ease of conversation. You help me to embrace the person I am and like myself simply by liking the person I am
For me the most important thing is, the time difference, you see when I can’t sleep or have nightmares your always awake, there and ready to offer support and comfort. I try but often struggle to know how to say how grateful I am for your friendship yet at the same time so sorry and regretful I never seem to be able to be that person for you.
With you I am never alone whether it’s in the small hours of the night or through the day, there is always someone on my side, always someone who understands, who appreciates that I struggle and will help in anyway they can, even when sharing the mundane parts of life. Whether you are physically there or not I can imagine your reaction in my head, giving me confidence to do what needs to be done and for that I am eternally grateful and privileged to call you my friend.
I want to let you know that when I last saw you, it wasn’t my idea to have an appointment but that of the person I spoke to on the phone. I was unwell and very scared because I wasn’t coping. I apologised for being there and you told “we’re too accessible these days”. At which point I began to cry, not that it mattered you didn’t notice or if you did you weren’t interested.
It didn’t matter if I said something clearly or stumbled my way through, the courage I’d found after a week of little to no sleep and struggling to speak to you, to ask for help had vanished. I struggled to understand the rest of the conversation but I got the gist I was wasting your time being here, I wasn’t important enough, unwell enough or struggling enough to deserve your time.
I apologised again leaving in tears with your idea of a solution, a prescription you had signed for me, a prescription that changed nothing bar to make me feel worse, yes in your eagerness to get rid of me you hadn’t asked or checked if I could even take what you had given me. I couldn’t, neither did I have the courage or the strength to contact you or any of your colleagues again...I’m just a carer, someone who does nothing and deserves nothing but struggles but most of all I am not worthy of your time.