Thursdays are supposed to be my "adventure" day. Lipreading is no longer financially feasible and I don't want to lose the little "me" time I can get so I am pushing myself to do things I would never normally do and enjoying it for the most part. Today's "adventure" was slightly different to say the least but before I get to that I want to give a quick history of the week.
Monday I was feeling out of sorts and a tad grumpy...nothing unusual if I'm tired but some yoga helped. Tuesday started much the same and again the yoga helped but by lunch time I was crying in pain and struggling majorly...ear pressure was extremely high, swallowing water let alone food was tricky and it was all I could do to keep it together and not scream in pain. I somehow found enough coherence to realise I ought to increase the antihistamine and by today I'm feeling better...what will happen now I have gone back to regular dose is anyone's guess. The pressure is still high and it's very uncomfortable but tolerable. This influenced where I was going for today's "adventure" and I had planned a series of apology photos for a friend who I've been less than friendly too.
What happened in reality was a phone call that led me to my grandparents on the way to an "adventure" that never happened. I was called in to "programme" the incubator for a period of "cooling" however it can only be done on eggs that have been incubated for seven days and then it has to be stopped two days before hatching...as we are putting in trays at different times this would mean cooling eggs before the seven days, thus it cannot be done automatically.
There was one chick pipping when we were looking at the incubators and I'm longing to get a decent opportunity to get out with the hatchlings and the camera but as yet it's either been too cool or the gander hasn't given permission for me to take photos...he's feeling rather protective of them and although he hasn't actually attempted to come for me he's made his feelings very clear.
It took three hours with the incubators so as that was my time up there was no "adventure" and therefore no photos for the apology so I decided to pull up some old photos from throughout the year. I'll add the apology photos at the end but for the moment let's return to the title... I'm too deaf for this
As I've just mentioned it took three hours to discuss the purchase of incubators, the availability of hatchers, how to programme incubators and see what was hatching, what needed candeling etc and whilst I ploughed on at the time it was difficult...I have to lipread much of the time and that in itself is exhausting but any conversation, even a short duration one at 10 minutes, can be exhausting. Three hours is a very exhausting amount of time let alone on a week where I'm not one hundred percent.
So now I'm sat between making dinner feeling as though I want to cry. My ears are popping, the pressure is still high, it hurts and most of all I'm now very tired. Yes I admit a large part of it is tiredness but that's part and parcel of being deaf...everything is more exhausting and a huge part of me thinks that having been deaf since birth I should be more than used to it by now but the deafer I get the more exhausted I get and it's time I started to say "I'm too deaf for this" and stop putting myself in a position where I just cannot cope, physically, mentally and hearing wise.
As much as I don't want there to be things I cannot do there will always be some things that my hearing loss prevents me from doing...the key is to find the positive, in this situation the positive would have been having the confidence to keep the visit brief, make sure everyone involved is aware that I am struggling with tiredness related to hearing loss and that I have hyperacusis. That those who didn't previously understand now understand that if they want a conversation with me flicking finger nails, tapping pens or nails, having noises in the background of daily items e.g. kettles, washing machines and taps will not only mean I can't hear them but they are causing high levels of pain making the situation not only intolerably but putting an extra drain on my energy thus making it more difficult than ever to hold a conversation.
I haven't reached that stage yet, not even with my dad's parents but having spent the last year having "adventures" where I have been open and honest about my hearing, when I can and cannot hear and what someone can do to help me participate in the conversation I feel the next step in continuing these adventures is to explain about my hyperacusis, how it affects me and how others can help me to communicate with them in a manner that benefits us both and what is a reasonable duration of conversation for me without it having a detrimental affect on my physical and mental health. I may even find the courage to do more blog posts like this one sharing my progress and the realisations I have along the way.
Now to today's "photos" containing an apology.
This should read I've BEEN responding...opps