About Moi

I was born in June 1981, I'm a hearing impaired paper-crafter who loves all things crafty. I sew, although I'm still very much a novice at sewing. I bake and cook hopefully all kinds of delicious treats. I have a huge passion for photography and the camera {yes I'm old school I still use an actual camera} is never far from me. I also love creative writing from making up sentiments/verses for my cards and other paper-craft projects to penning some fiction. I am an avid reader and I may even throw in some book reviews on here too!

Friday, 8 June 2018

Jekyll and Hyde with OCD

A conversation or rather the aftermath of a conversation with someone combined with clothes shopping made me look a little closer at myself.

The aftermath of the conversation involved me apologising when the other person felt it unnecessary and that I apologise too much. I then went off to Sainsbury in the hope of getting some smaller leggings..I had thought I might squeeze into a size 16 but ended up with a 12-14....YES a BIG SHOCK!  Although I guess at some point the store will realise they have sewn the wrong labels in them!  I hadn't realised I had lost some weight {despite having to buy smaller pjs} and I try hard not to let eating be a large part of my life.

I have OCD in many forms from the way I hang clothes, the way things are tidied away, books etc in alphabetical order and my car has to parked perfectly straight.  I always knew I was a big fan of the word "sorry" but it is only recently I am starting to realise I might be obsessed with it.  I do say it a lot, I do feel as though I am bothering and annoying people when I speak to them so tend to feel guilty {another thing I am actually good at is feeling Guilty} then apologise for it.  I have discovered I say sorry far more via social media.  It's easier to have a conversation that is typed when deaf and I don't edit in advance as much as I do with the spoken word.  I also find social media confusing I just cannot get to grips with it.  It appears that things can be said that aren't socially acceptable in person but are in the written word for example if I put my foot in it and said something I shouldn't {say I said oh did you go to that exhibit then realised I had the wrong person} and didn't apologise to the person standing next to me I would be rude, yet it is perfectly acceptable to not apologise on social media for it.  This means I'm forever apologising because I don't know let alone understand the rules of conversing via social media and applying the same parameters as spoken conversations doesn't appear to be working.  This is when I start to feel guilty about being rude and apologise again...it's something of a vicious circle really.

Feeling guilty and doubting myself are very close friends of my OCD and that can cause problems especially if you are on the receiving end of my apologies or where food is concerned.  I don't have the hungry feeling and I struggle {as mentioned in a previous post entitled Cooking and Food Demons} to eat feeling that I am fat therefore I have no need to eat and yet at the same time I am obsessed with not being entitled to wear anything smaller than a size 18 even if it is too big on me.

It was after the conversation about not saying sorry that I realised I am a little Jekyll and Hyde like where on a good day I can cope with conversation, smaller clothes, food etc and other days I let self doubt tell me I'm wrong then I introduce it to OCD and have to apologise every other sentence, cannot even consider wearing smaller clothes etc!  It happens in other aspects of my life too, when crafting I feel guilty, I should be doing the dishes, the cleaning anything but crafting because I shouldn't be doing something for me.  It's all about acquiring the skills to suppress both the OCD and the self doubt to a manageable level before I speak to others.

I've used a robot face image from Ike's Art to create a journal page that shows my self doubt and OCD side against my regular self.  The robot parts reflect the self doubt and OCD whilst the flesh sides are my regular self.














2 comments:

  1. Lovely journal page Sall!
    Be happy and loved!
    xxx

    ReplyDelete
  2. Hmmm....I can understand a bit where you are coming from here Sall. You really do need to be more confident don't you ? I'm sure they didn't really sew the wrong labels in them leggings - don't knock yourself GF :-D I find that social media conversations can go awry sometimes because they are no inflections etc. with the written word that would be obvious when we speak, so quite often things can be read in the totally wrong way !!
    I think I am a little OCD too with some of the things I do. One of my daft things is stirring my coffee..... I have to twiddle it two lots of 12 times and then a 5 before I pick it up and walk away with it. !!! I mean - WTF is THAT all about ? LoL I also often make small adjustments to items if they aren't sitting 'just right' :-D
    Anyhoooooo - I absolutely LUV your page and the image is perfect for what you are talking about :-D Thank you very much for using one of mine.
    Mega hugz
    IKE xxxxxx

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Thank you for sharing your kindness with me.
Much love and hugs
Sall