Cooking and Food Demons

I love being in the kitchen whether it is cooking or baking. For me the heart of the home is the kitchen and that love expresses itself to others and for others in the things I cook for them. I have no special repertoire I make anything from cakes to Jams, Marmalades, Chutneys and everything in between. I admit my favourite is savoury though...I don’t have a sweet tooth and savoury is a comforter. That said I don’t really see food as comforting...I have plenty of food demons. Not just in things I dislike {spicy, peppery, chilli foods} but also with a fear...a fear that I shouldn’t be eating.

I had some strange notions, well strange to most people, from as early as I can remember. I was never keen on bread, hated butter in sandwiches, and quite honestly preferred to eat salad or fruit to anything else. I’m sure this was fine until I was around people...that started at primary school...eating salad and not wanting chips or crisp wasn’t the done thing. Every meal time became a struggle...I just wanted to be left alone yet that wasn’t going to ever happen. By the time I reached secondary school I would skip breakfast and most days lunch then pick at a meal in the evening knowing that I shouldn’t be eating it. I was fat and only going to get fatter if I ate anything yet at the same time I couldn’t eat salad it wasn’t right I should be eating chips like all the other kids. For 21 years I skipped meals and the older I got the more days there were when I wouldn’t eat at all. Some weeks there could be more days I didn’t eat than there were when I would eat. Ironically it didn’t do my weight any good...if anything I put more weight on.

Three years ago with help from a GP, who knew enough about me to know I was struggling I started to slowly eat again. At first it was small achievements...a spoonful of cereal, a bite of a cake… I had learnt to bake because of allergies and buying pre-made wasn’t an option but also I felt that feeding others made them tolerate me and it gave them something to talk about other than my weight.

Since then I’ve done relatively well, unless in company I eat at least one meal every day...usually two if you count a snack at lunch...I still struggle some days with breakfast but I’m working on that. I have made marmalade in the hope it will encourage me to eat breakfast on the days I don’t feel like cereal. I also make teacakes for the same reasons.

What gets me the most these days is that every other advert on TV, and in a lot of other places involve healthy eating...not balanced, not treats but pure only good clean healthy weight loss inducing food. It’s not that I don’t want to lose weight, that said since I have actually started eating I have lost weight. It’s more that if I’m not following the trend when it comes to food...chips when I was young, fat free, zero sugar now I am not entitled to eat or enjoy food because it will make me fat and then I’m back to being the one everyone can use as an example of how not to be. So yes some days I struggle to pass even water over my lips in fear. Today happens to be one of those days which is why I’m sharing a foody post...Pasties, Quiche without pastry...something that I have been teased and told how daft and silly it is not to have pastry on quiche for decades, Cherry Oat Squares, meringues and Cherry Pies...they have no pastry on the bottom so technically aren’t a pie but pastry is another thing I’m not keen on!